Minding My Words….

Once I said to my husband, nah tu ikan terbakar sudah – while what I really meant was the fish is already well roasted, while we were having a bbq party few years ago.

Tulah kau punya baju yang bersambung – and what I meant was his tshirt, pants and boxer that I folded together.

Then he answered, kau ingat ini apa, baju kurung?

Above was just a few examples of my weird choice of words. Even my mom has pointed it out but well, not a big deal.

I also have difficulty on expressing opinion too (but I’m good at knowledge sharing). That’s why maybe although I don’t like judging people, I’m always in for a juicy gossip. Haha.

Like, I can tell you that Captain Fantastic is a good movie that one must put in their movie watchlist but I can’t tell you why. It’s difficult for me to compose the opinion I had in me.

My best shot is… Because not all parents can be like Ben? Or, one have to be highly intelligent to be like Ben? And maybe, it is inspiring as f so you must watch it?

Reviewing book and cosmetic too. I’m bad at it too. The best I could go is, Go read Animal Farm. George Orwell is so talented. The story will blow your mind. And, NYX is one of the beat lipmate I’ve ever used?

That is why…. I can’t, now or ever, make blogging as my career.

Penebusan. I’m a bit disappointed that the printing didn’t go as planned. According to the publisher, the printing company did a last minute mistakes on their side. They missed PBAKL2018 but I personally think its okay.

Well… Blame it to GE – from the cabinet dispersion to post election, thus historic GE took all the limelight away from at least everything. Poor Unduk Ngadau, they didn’t seem to get fair amount of attention this time around.

It would feel a bit silly trying to ask people to read my book when everyone else is more interested talking about Jeffrey Kitingan’s political ambition.

On the other hand, I suspected that my publisher is a pro Malaysian ex-goverment so I would rather let him heal first la.

P/S : I was informed that there’s a production that was kind interested with my story. I hope that luck will be on my side.


Parenting Ting Ting Tang Ting

A quick post.

If what written above was a parenting bible and our beloved astronaut was a parenting prophet, then I shall be thrown into the deepest pit of the burning hell. Haha.

I had no bad words nor opposition towards his advices or whatever anyway. It’s his very own right to shape his kids in the best way possible. And I believe his children would be one hell of a man/woman when they grew up.

My Reza and Yeyen, well…. I had no intention to recruit them into the Avengers team at the moment. So, they’ll be safe by now.



I always thought that older generation (our moms) raised their kids better than us.

I was wrong.

We are actually slightly better in term of parenting (in many aspects). But to be fair, we are that way because we grew up in evolving, better faciliatated, educated and well exposed society.

As to meet up the standard of today’s acceptable parenting, I honestly think that we have put some much pressure on our shoulders. What an expensive price to pay.


We become afraid of judgement.

We are competing each others, of who’s child is the brightest.

The imperfection of our children is a clear reflection of our failure as a mom. So they have to be perfect. Poor kids.

There are milestones obligations. If our kids reached certains skills quite slow, then Houston, we have a problem.

We are plagued with unnecessary anxieties, mocked up pressure because if we don’t feel that way then we are not a good mom.

And I’m glad to have debunking the ‘parenting 101′ that has been imbedded inside us (through socmed).


I’ll never try to be a perfect mom again. And my kids don’t have to be perfect.

I will not push Reza and Yeyen to eat vegetables now because the truth is I only started eating them at the age of 10.

I will not think that Reza is a slow learner despite his inability to read because he can draw much better than kids of his age.

I will embrace my kids’ flaws and encourage them to do the same. They are not in training to be a superhuman.

Lets go back to the main title.

Why we think our moms were better at raising us compared to us raising our kids?

Well, our moms had the least sense of guilt when they fed us with formula milk.

They often left us with other relatives whenever they were out for an errand. And not missing us at all.

They didn’t seek consultation from a doctor when we were still not talking at the age of three.

And surely gave it a pass when we can’t count 1-10 at the age of 5.

That’s our moms. Too much flaws, isn’t?

The answer is easy. And my mom would vouch me for giving this answer too.

They had quite a stress free motherhood. They let us grew in our own pace.

That’s why we tend to think that our moms are better than us……despite of their flaws.

So, to make the best from this situation is – BALANCE. Take the best lesson we acquired from both generations.

Well, that’s what I’m trying to do.


My Writing : Purpose and Direction

After months of delay, my novel debut will well, hopefully (better) be ready on time so it could be launched on this upcoming PBAKL 2018 – late of April.

It could either be a major breakthrough or a disappointment. But God I hope it would be a breakthrough so I will not give up writing. Hehe.

In this novel, I’m using authentic Sabahan accent in its most dialouge, depending on the setting and character. Thus the enquiries 😂. They even asked me what patak-patak is and I had difficult time to explain its meaning. I do have eccentricity in selecting descriptive words (verbally) and it is my husband who always pointed it out. Will write about this in another post.

Why do I write? Because it is the only thing I can do well, effortlessly. Even I wrote my first newspaper article on my very first day of working. It took a week or two for a rookie reporter to write theirs.

I received almost no guidance back then (in term of article producing) and often asked to re write the first sentence, or what they called ‘the angle’. I mostly learnt through the rejections, multiple re-dos and rereading the edited article published in next day.

There was even a rough evening where I almost cry because people (especially superior) don’t talk in newsroom. They shouted! If not cursing. Very blatant and straight forward. You don’t discuss while sitting down, you did the discussion while walking, or typing.

I first covered news in courtroom before transitioned to a complaint column. It was one of the reason why I started to hate my job. Listening to people’s complaint every single day is no joke!

I even still remember this one young man who occasionally made a phone call to complaint about his personal problem. Like how his in law family always interfere his marriage, or when he was sick of his employer.

Therefore, as soon as I found out I was pregnant (with Reza), I decided to part way with the newspaper company.

Although there was a resentment for letting go such a good prospect and stepping stone, I believe that a writing career isn’t limited into contributing my skill and work force to a newspaper company.


On the other note, Yeyen finally got her new school bag. I bought it for RM50 from Servay. She likes it sooo much that she wears it almost everywhere.


Time and Memory

I do believe that I’m blessed with photographic memory. Although it is not as great or perfect as what the other World Geniuses have, it still sometimes throw me inside a depression pit.

As a punishment for me to be able to remember all those memories.

Somehow, be it sad or happy event of life that I remembered, they still make me feel melancholic and drown in the sea of tears afterwards.


Last weekend, my husband and I made a surprise visit to my grandma and other relatives in Ranau. Of course, they were delighted. Making up one room for us in less than an hour upon our arrival.

When I stepped into the room, my heart ached. At the down corner of the bed, there was a neatly folded green thick blanket. For us to use that night.

And it was my parents marital blanket when they were still together.

The flashbacks I experienced were rather torturous. I remembered exactly when the blanket was introduced into our house when I was 5 year old. Its green was too bright back then, I often imagined it was a vast floating rug with stairs at each corner. And I could put anything I want on it. And I can do whatever I want on it.

I remembered how my late father used to lay down under that same blanket in a cold morning, during the weekend and it looked like a long range to me, especially when he laid on his side. I remembered too how my mom used to hate the blanket for it was too thick to her liking.

After we started living with my grandparents, they prohibited us from using that blanket. Because they said, it was too thick though I know they were actually protecting us from thinking too much about our parents.

One blanket, too many memories. Nevertheless, it was one of the best visit so far. I never feel so calm before.

Sometimes right, when I had too much and too real flashback, like as if I was re-living the moment, it made me think that time does not move. Time is static. The movement we feel is cycle instead. And we can’t beat cycle. I don’t believe in time travelling. Simply because we can’t, even with all the given might, we will never be able to reverse or undone the cycling process.

I believe all those memories and events, they floating everywhere around us. Time never brought them away. It is just us who have grown and the space has developed.

Well… Sorry for the rambling.


Sad Story

Last week Yeyen broke the zipper of her school bag, leaving it to be unzip-able at all. So it has been two days she went to school with a wide open bag. Luckily it was a small bag so you couldn’t really see the impairment.

This morning, after sending Yeyen into her classroom, I proceeded to send Reza into his. Then on my way back to the car, I stopped for a while to peek Yeyen through the window.


She was struggling to hang her bag at the back of her chair, while trying to push the hole together. Of course the opening became wider once hung, and you can see her books and other stuffs inside her bag!

Sorry nak.. But know that successful person will still go to school and learn despite of the inconvenience they have to face.

And know that there are people in the other side of the world who use bag like that simply because they couldn’t afford good functioning bag. While at least, all we need is, your bapak will not be too busy anytime soon so we can go out and buy one for you.

So, for now, be strong and keep learning.


P/S : I love you, Yeyen.

Managing Yeyen

What a title. But yes, I’m her Manager, with a lifetime contract, dealed and sealed the moment I knew I was pregnant with her.

Updates on her development.

I think the last time I recorded her’s was 2 years ago. Regardless when it was, she has grown so much that baby-ing her is no longer seems appropriate, but alas I still did it.

Yeyen has gone diaper free (daytime) when she was 3.6 year old. Pretty late for girl’s standard milestone but it is always better late than never. Plus that it was me who’s always making excuses to potty train her anyway.

I still put her in diaper at night (even today) as sometimes she’s unable to control her pee and wet the bed.😧😧

She used wake up in the middle of the night if she wanted to use the toilet but stopped doing so few months ago. I have no idea why. Yet I’m still too lazy to tackle this issue. Puhleaseeee don’t judge me.

She can feed herself with no fuss or problem but like her brother, she hates veges of all kind. I don’t know what’s wrong with my kids but they both are very picky eater or let’s say they are those kids who have limited preferance in food. And I believe that’s different from being picky. Yeyen herself can eat rice without lauk and that’s not picky.

But one thing I like about my girl is she only drink milk, Milo, water, water and water.

I occasionally let her eats junk food and CHOCOLATE is her favorite!Lucky that I hate junk food including eh, especially chocolate so she didn’t get to see it often inside the house.

She’s able to bath by her own, pick her clothes and put it on. Recently, she only wears what she wants to wear.


Sigh again.

About her speech. This year, since she started schooling already, I noticed that she has picked up many new vocabs. She’s still behind her peers in term of talking but definitely better than Reza.

I stopped myself from panicking about her condition as although she babbles instead of speaking, because she knows things. Thus I decided to settle with a conclusion that she’s indeed one of those late talkers and I shouldn’t over-diagnose her.