well, after several attempts to clear out my clogged mind, i’ve decided that this site is the best place for me to ramble.

here’s the story.

my husband has been texting this one woman for few weeks. he said, she’s no more than a friend. i said ok and trusted their ‘friendship’.

until last few days, i found a text message indicating that the woman has tried to call him in an odd hour of 4am? what kind of friendship is that???

so i gave my husband a very stern warning and texted the woman at the same time, in a good manner, politely asking her to back off. after that i blocked her number from my husband’s phone.

but then, my cheerful morning today was ruined by her string of messages. she accused me of disrespecting her ‘janda’ status. when i didn’t reply, she came back to defend her action. boasting that she never received a single sen from my husband.

how she got my number? only heaven knows. i don’t want to curse another woman. that’s my golden rule. since i got married and got kids, i’ve always thought that women should empower each other.

in my text message to her, i even clearly implied that, it’s not her fault but my husband’s. and i hope that as a woman herself, she could understand my feeling.

now i feel guilty. now i feel that it’s my fault that i shouldn’t text her at the first place. her messages? they were still there unanswered. i don’t see point. if there’s really nothing between them, why even she bothered texting me?

and my husband…. he knows how well i could carry on living, without him. for now, he’ll still stick around. well, that’s for sure. and he’ll just have to endure living with a miserably angry wife.


What’s Up?

Sooo… ehem… my current obsession is Levison Wood and his documentary Walking the Himalayas! Well, especially Levison Wood. I’ve watched 3 of the 4 series and couldn’t wait for the forth one.

Honestly, I envy his lifestyle. If I could go back time, I would, absolutely with no fucking doubt, pack my bag and go for a journey of a lifetime.

It’s a little too late now but, experience has just told me, husband and kids can wait.

My husband, he’s a pretty lame person who dislikes outdoor activties, besides fishing and drag racing. Couldn’t blame him either. He’s a city boy while I still have the experience growing up in kampung.

18 Days…

I can assure you that one would be much smarter without smartphone.

One the second week of fasting, I lost my phone during baju raya shopping with the kids. Long story short, it happened due to my own carelessness. I did the police report and all but, well, it would very difficult to recover your stolen phone.

So anyway, I spent the rest of Ramadhan without a smartphone and relied to my husband’s whenever I needed to communicate with anyone.

Surprisingly, I kind of liking it. Time was well spent. I managed to spend up to 4 hours on Reza’s home tuition. And I actually bought 2 different newspapers every morning because reading news is exciting again – but I had no access to online news portal.

Ditching your smartphone won’t kill you. That’s for sure. I would strongly recommend any of you to try living without your smartphone for a week. It’s a mental detoxification. Time moves slowly and you will begin to see things you couldn’t before.

Raya 2018

We celebrated Raya this year minimally. My mum just came back from Keningau and tending her is more vital than everything. My father in law too is still in his recovering stage.

We spent 1st day of Raya at my mum’s house and brought the kids jalan-jalan on the 2nd and 3rd day. But now I’m back my mum’s house again.

Cut my hair short recently. An old fashion school girl cut. Told the hairdresser that layering is not an option because I want to create some thick hair illusion. 1st time trying it as an adult. So lucky that it suits me well.

After literally 20 – 25 snapping, plus the power of Vivo V9 front camera. What a deception. But we all like sugar coated reality, don’t we?

Minding My Words….

Once I said to my husband, nah tu ikan terbakar sudah – while what I really meant was the fish is already well roasted, while we were having a bbq party few years ago.

Tulah kau punya baju yang bersambung – and what I meant was his tshirt, pants and boxer that I folded together.

Then he answered, kau ingat ini apa, baju kurung?

Above was just a few examples of my weird choice of words. Even my mom has pointed it out but well, not a big deal.

I also have difficulty on expressing opinion too (but I’m good at knowledge sharing). That’s why maybe although I don’t like judging people, I’m always in for a juicy gossip. Haha.

Like, I can tell you that Captain Fantastic is a good movie that one must put in their movie watchlist but I can’t tell you why. It’s difficult for me to compose the opinion I had in me.

My best shot is… Because not all parents can be like Ben? Or, one have to be highly intelligent to be like Ben? And maybe, it is inspiring as f so you must watch it?

Reviewing book and cosmetic too. I’m bad at it too. The best I could go is, Go read Animal Farm. George Orwell is so talented. The story will blow your mind. And, NYX is one of the beat lipmate I’ve ever used?

That is why…. I can’t, now or ever, make blogging as my career.

Penebusan. I’m a bit disappointed that the printing didn’t go as planned. According to the publisher, the printing company did a last minute mistakes on their side. They missed PBAKL2018 but I personally think its okay.

Well… Blame it to GE – from the cabinet dispersion to post election, thus historic GE took all the limelight away from at least everything. Poor Unduk Ngadau, they didn’t seem to get fair amount of attention this time around.

It would feel a bit silly trying to ask people to read my book when everyone else is more interested talking about Jeffrey Kitingan’s political ambition.

On the other hand, I suspected that my publisher is a pro Malaysian ex-goverment so I would rather let him heal first la.

P/S : I was informed that there’s a production that was kind interested with my story. I hope that luck will be on my side.

Parenting Ting Ting Tang Ting

A quick post.

If what written above was a parenting bible and our beloved astronaut was a parenting prophet, then I shall be thrown into the deepest pit of the burning hell. Haha.

I had no bad words nor opposition towards his advices or whatever anyway. It’s his very own right to shape his kids in the best way possible. And I believe his children would be one hell of a man/woman when they grew up.

My Reza and Yeyen, well…. I had no intention to recruit them into the Avengers team at the moment. So, they’ll be safe by now.



I always thought that older generation (our moms) raised their kids better than us.

I was wrong.

We are actually slightly better in term of parenting (in many aspects). But to be fair, we are that way because we grew up in evolving, better faciliatated, educated and well exposed society.

As to meet up the standard of today’s acceptable parenting, I honestly think that we have put some much pressure on our shoulders. What an expensive price to pay.


We become afraid of judgement.

We are competing each others, of who’s child is the brightest.

The imperfection of our children is a clear reflection of our failure as a mom. So they have to be perfect. Poor kids.

There are milestones obligations. If our kids reached certains skills quite slow, then Houston, we have a problem.

We are plagued with unnecessary anxieties, mocked up pressure because if we don’t feel that way then we are not a good mom.

And I’m glad to have debunking the ‘parenting 101′ that has been imbedded inside us (through socmed).


I’ll never try to be a perfect mom again. And my kids don’t have to be perfect.

I will not push Reza and Yeyen to eat vegetables now because the truth is I only started eating them at the age of 10.

I will not think that Reza is a slow learner despite his inability to read because he can draw much better than kids of his age.

I will embrace my kids’ flaws and encourage them to do the same. They are not in training to be a superhuman.

Lets go back to the main title.

Why we think our moms were better at raising us compared to us raising our kids?

Well, our moms had the least sense of guilt when they fed us with formula milk.

They often left us with other relatives whenever they were out for an errand. And not missing us at all.

They didn’t seek consultation from a doctor when we were still not talking at the age of three.

And surely gave it a pass when we can’t count 1-10 at the age of 5.

That’s our moms. Too much flaws, isn’t?

The answer is easy. And my mom would vouch me for giving this answer too.

They had quite a stress free motherhood. They let us grew in our own pace.

That’s why we tend to think that our moms are better than us……despite of their flaws.

So, to make the best from this situation is – BALANCE. Take the best lesson we acquired from both generations.

Well, that’s what I’m trying to do.


My Writing : Purpose and Direction

After months of delay, my novel debut will well, hopefully (better) be ready on time so it could be launched on this upcoming PBAKL 2018 – late of April.

It could either be a major breakthrough or a disappointment. But God I hope it would be a breakthrough so I will not give up writing. Hehe.

In this novel, I’m using authentic Sabahan accent in its most dialouge, depending on the setting and character. Thus the enquiries 😂. They even asked me what patak-patak is and I had difficult time to explain its meaning. I do have eccentricity in selecting descriptive words (verbally) and it is my husband who always pointed it out. Will write about this in another post.

Why do I write? Because it is the only thing I can do well, effortlessly. Even I wrote my first newspaper article on my very first day of working. It took a week or two for a rookie reporter to write theirs.

I received almost no guidance back then (in term of article producing) and often asked to re write the first sentence, or what they called ‘the angle’. I mostly learnt through the rejections, multiple re-dos and rereading the edited article published in next day.

There was even a rough evening where I almost cry because people (especially superior) don’t talk in newsroom. They shouted! If not cursing. Very blatant and straight forward. You don’t discuss while sitting down, you did the discussion while walking, or typing.

I first covered news in courtroom before transitioned to a complaint column. It was one of the reason why I started to hate my job. Listening to people’s complaint every single day is no joke!

I even still remember this one young man who occasionally made a phone call to complaint about his personal problem. Like how his in law family always interfere his marriage, or when he was sick of his employer.

Therefore, as soon as I found out I was pregnant (with Reza), I decided to part way with the newspaper company.

Although there was a resentment for letting go such a good prospect and stepping stone, I believe that a writing career isn’t limited into contributing my skill and work force to a newspaper company.


On the other note, Yeyen finally got her new school bag. I bought it for RM50 from Servay. She likes it sooo much that she wears it almost everywhere.